Being brave about transparency

I’ve been thinking more about transparency, and how it is related to authenticity. Why is authenticity so hard, especially across difference? Why is it often in the parts of our identity where we align with dominant culture that we struggle more to be authentic, at least in diverse spaces?

We often hear about fear from folks in the privileged aspects of their identity. White folks, for example, are often afraid of “saying the wrong thing” in discussions about race, or of “taking up too much space” or “causing harm.” This is not a bad thing, per se, but when it causes people to clam up or retreat it can further erode safety.

When we are afraid, transparency is often the last thing we want to lean into. We are socialized into conflict avoidance.

We see this a lot in our work as well. Folks make mistakes - it happens - but out of fear and shame they retreat further and further, becoming less and less transparent. It’s an understandable human reaction but what often happens is we dig ourselves deeper and deeper into a hole where our fears end up becoming self-fulfilling prophecies.

Sometimes the fear isn’t a result of mistakes, but because of very real experiences of attack and manipulation. Of course we get defensive when we are attacked.

It can be scary, but bravery can create safety.

Being brave doesn’t mean ignoring the fear. It can mean experiencing the fear, and making the intentional, strategic and considered decision to be brave anyway. Because especially when we inhabit positions of relative power, we have the ability and, I would argue, the responsibility to lean into bravery in order to de-escalate things, whether it’s a situation, the people, the team, the organization, the culture.

What does that look like?

For me, usually it starts with deep breaths and, where possible, time and space to work through my reactions and “auto-responses” with someone not directly involved with the situation, whether that’s my colleagues, my coach, my therapist or other trusted friends and family members.

The next step is usually to reflect back what I’m hearing and/or name what I’m seeing, and to lean into curiosity, where I can, to ask questions. Especially when we’re more aligned with power, it can be easy to get sucked into a “how dare they say that” or “they are being so disrespectful” or a “they are lying and I need to correct them” stance.

Of course, it’s not always safe to ask questions, and if we truly don’t want to know the answers, we shouldn’t ask. This is especially true when in situations where we don’t align with power and there is a significant power differential.

But I have found that if I can get myself to a place of true curiosity, reflecting back what I’m hearing and asking someone to tell me more can be surprisingly de-escalating even for myself. I think it’s because in that moment, my job is not to respond or correct or figure out what to do.

My only job is to listen.

At CCI we often remind folks that empathy isn’t endorsement. Acceptance isn’t endorsement. Listening doesn’t have to be endorsement either.

Again, this is particularly for situations where we are more aligned with power and/or there isn’t a significant power differential. And, as I’ve spoken about before, it can be hard especially when trauma and power intersect and our bodies don’t know the difference.

Then comes transparency.

Our instinct might be to “power hoard” by buttressing up our defenses and entrenching.

Instead, well, I’m not advocating for sharing everything all at once, but how can you test the waters and experiment with bravery by sharing something that is true for you about how you are feeling or what you need.

Using “dialectical statements” ie and rather than but can help create space for multiple perspectives. “I hear what you’re saying AND here is what is coming up for me right now.”

My first therapist used to do an annoyingly therapist-y thing where I would go “blah blah blah blah blah” about someone and she would listen, ask questions, let me get it all out, and then say “well have you thought about telling them that?”

And then we’d talk through a plan of what I needed to say and what I could say.

I find the same with coaching clients now. It can be helpful to do the “unedited” version of what you want to say and from there, decide what you need to and can say. And like I said, it doesn’t need to all be said at once. There’s a place for patience too, we just have to be honest with ourselves about the difference between patience and conflict avoidance.

Try saying a small thing. See how it goes. Then you can decide if you want to keep going.

What are you not saying right now that you need to say? What do you need in order to say it?

Banner photo by Jason Fitt on Unsplash

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