It’s not about love
Growing up in predominantly white communities and having spent the very large majority of my life in predominantly white spaces, for a long time I did not allow myself to think about how I might be different to white people.
Of course, I always knew I wasn’t white but my own internalized “color blindness” and oppression told me I was just the same.
In fact, I learned that was the goal without anyone ever actually articulating it - blend in and be as white as possible in order to be safe, and that included denying the ways in which I was different, and denying my racial identity even to myself.
The external blending in was for physical safety. The internal blending in was for psychological safety. I didn’t have the psychological space to think of myself as different, or rather, I knew I was different but it wasn’t safe to admit that even to myself. With no safety to be different, the only safety I could create for myself was to try and be the same... but at what cost?
Such is the power of whiteness. And such is the experience of literally being born into an alien land where almost everyone else is the same except for you.
And from the outside, it did look like I lived a very similar life to my white peers, living in the same places, going to the same schools, having the same jobs, even dating and marrying the same men.
It was only when I started to engage in conversations about race that I realized... oh wow, we are NOT the same at all.
What I experience as a woman of color in the very same spaces as white women is NOT the same at all. Some of it is explicit, but a lot of it is subtle without any individual having to be actively and outwardly “racist.”
And as a result, my ideas, my thinking, my perspective, the assumptions I make, how I make decisions, how I feel, how I move through the world are all actually very different.
This may seem obvious, and it seems obvious to me now, but I can tell you it was not obvious to me for a long time, because a lot of it in our “post-racial” society is beneath the surface and unspoken.
I was reminded of this when I went through an experience this week where a group of mostly white people with a small handful of people of color learned about the history of race and specifically whiteness in this country and how the system of white advantage was constructed historically so that it perpetuates daily today without anyone really having to try.
I wasn’t facilitating so I got to listen and learn myself, and I was reminded of how for white people, learning this stuff can be incredibly disorienting because it goes against everything they have been taught and have internalized about themselves.
What I’ve found is that for people of color it can be the opposite - it is in some ways orienting because it while it may also go against everything we have been taught and internalized about ourselves too, it makes a whole lot more sense than what we were taught.
It is validating to know that all of the experiences we had that have never made sense when measured against the expressed intentions of concepts such as freedom, democracy and equality, were actually intentional and by design because freedom, democracy and equality were never intended for us.
Something that struck me this week is that it is a common belief amongst white people and an underlying default assumption that racism is about hate.
When they say they “don’t have a racist bone in their body” they mean what they also sometimes say which is that their “heart is full of love.” When asked why racism should be eradicated, they say it’s because “everyone deserves to be loved.”
Do white people really think that people of color don’t experience love? That we don’t feel loved? That we experience love less than white people do?
This whole concept is just so puzzling to me.
I know that hate exists, in fact we have an entire movement based on “stop Asian hate.” I know that people hate me just because I’m Asian and that has made me feel even less safe especially during the past couple of years when Asian hate crimes have been on the rise.
I don’t mean to diminish the harm that hate causes.
But simply walking around magnanimously loving everyone, “even” those who are different to you doesn’t fix that.
I mean, I know it is well intentioned but think for a moment about the audacity of this belief when coming from white people.
Think about the entitlement and superiority underlying this belief when coming from white people.
Think about how love, and especially white patriarchal Christian-based love has been used to justify and even fuel the most horrendous of atrocities such as attempted genocide, colonization, slavery, violence and abuse at systemic and institutional as well as individuals levels.
And then white people expect us to be grateful for their “love.”
I don’t need white people to love me. I don’t even care if they like me. In fact, sometimes it’s downright creepy.
It’s not about love.
As Ibram X. Kendi, author of “Stamped from the Beginning” and “How to Be an Anti-Racist” said, education and love are not the answer.
“We have been taught that ignorance and hate lead to racist ideas, lead to racist policies,” Kendi said. “If the fundamental problem is ignorance and hate, then your solutions are going to be focused on education, and love and persuasion. But of course [Stamped from the Beginning] shows that the actual foundation of racism is not ignorance and hate, but self-interest, particularly economic and political and cultural.” Self-interest drives racist policies that benefit that self-interest. When the policies are challenged because they produce inequalities, racist ideas spring up to justify those policies. Hate flows freely from there.
It’s about the systems of oppression that are killing people, especially Black and indigenous people, and have been killing people daily for centuries.
If we could eliminate hate... systemic racism would still be alive and well and compounding.
If we could eliminate unconscious bias... systemic racism would still be alive and well and compounding.
If we could eliminate microaggressions... systemic racism would still be alive and well and compounding.
If everyone just had love in their hearts... systemic racism would still be alive and well and compounding.
Racism doesn't require hate. Racism doesn’t require racists.
I’m all for love, don’t get me wrong.
But love doesn’t conquer all and it certainly doesn’t conquer systemic racism.
Love is not enough.
I know it’s not enough for me. What I want is for people of color to be able to live freely with the same access, opportunities and advantages as everyone else. I want the promise that this country never actually intended to make for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to be available to all. I want everyone to have what they need to do their best, most impactful and most fulfilling work, living their best, most impactful and most fulfilling lives.
That sounds very aspirational and inspirational but actually it’s a very radical idea that I don’t expect to be fulfilled in my lifetime or frankly any time soon, and probably not ever. Instead what we have is a devastating loss of potential at a global scale. Think of all the talent unrealized, to the detriment of all of us. It’s catastrophic.
Systemic racism is killing us all.
It’s not killing us all equally but it’s killing us all.
To be anti-racist is to be able to actively and pro-actively do the work to dismantle racist systems, policies and practices, and to intentionally foster equity and inclusion instead.
But even before that, dismantling racist systems requires knowing that they exist and understanding how they are racist which means understanding the history of compounding and interconnected systems of advantage and disadvantage.
Nor is dismantling systems enough because even policies and practices that are no longer in effect still underpin our systems so the ongoing impact has to be addressed.
We need a truth and reconciliation process, reparations, and a complete shift in culture.
It’s an impossible task, but the beauty, joy and, yes, love, is in the trying.
Not sure where to start? If you haven’t listened to it, the Seeing White podcast is one of my favorite resources for white people and people of color alike. For a live virtual experience, the Racial Equity Institute, featured in Seeing White, offers two day workshops that I would particularly recommend for white people.
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