On not taking things personally
A pattern that we often see with our client organizations is where those more proximate to institutional power seem to “personalize” feedback from those less proximate to power. This is a form of defensiveness where feedback from staff, usually given in good faith and not meant as an attack, although often not with frustration, pain and anger, is experienced by leadership as a personal attack.
We get it, we do. Not only is defensiveness a natural and human reaction, as we talked about in last week’s blog post, within a hierarchical environment, many of us have learned that an effective way to build and maintain credibility and trust is by being able to shoot down other perspectives, thus proving ourselves to be “right.”
Those with less power aren’t supposed to question us! Why do staff think they get to provide feedback when they don’t even understand the realities of what it takes to run an organization, all the factors that have to be considered and all the work leadership is doing behind the scenes!
Tema Okun talks about some of the ways power hoarding, along with right to comfort and fear of conflict shows up:
Those with power assume they have the best interests of the organization at heart and assume those wanting change are ill-informed (stupid), emotional, inexperienced; blaming the messenger rather than focusing on the message.
Those with power feel threatened when anyone suggests changes in how things should be done in the organization, often feeling suggestions for change are a reflection on their leadership.
It’s easy to see how, within this framework, feedback feels like a personal attack.
How then not to take things personally?
This is a good question and, as always, if there was an easy answer, we would be done!
Tema Okun has some suggestions such as:
If you are a leader and/or hold power, understand that change is inevitable and challenges to your leadership are often healthy and productive; adopt the "tell me more" approach to challenges.
If you are a leader and/or hold power, avoid taking challenges personally and return to the principle of collective thinking and action; ask for help with your leadership, particularly when feeling highly defensive.
Consider the power differences at play; when someone with a lot of power is defensive and resistant, the options are very different than when someone with less or little power is defensive and resistant. Be clear about the power dynamics in the situation and respond thoughtfully. The person with power has greater responsibility to name and move through their own defensiveness and resistance, although the collective is best served when everyone has those skills.
Honestly, this is the kind of thing that we work with leaders on in 1:1 coaching, recognizing per that last point that those with institutional power hold a greater responsibility for mitigating defensiveness and often are, frankly, less practiced at it, given that those those with less power are constantly having to mitigate their defensiveness for their own day-to-day safety - Black folks especially.
Not only are there no easy answers, but we try not to claim to have answers at all. However, here are some of the things we have found or observed to be helpful, particularly for those more proximate to those with institutional power:
Can we grapple with and accept that feedback is a gift, even if we don’t like the wrapping paper and that getting feedback from those impacted by our decisions will help us make better decisions? (see also our blog post on “Feedback may be painful but it is critical for equity and inclusion.”)
Can we grapple with and accept that we are all inherently worthy and do not have to defend or prove our worth - that includes those in power! Often, feedback feels like a personal attack because we believe worth has to be earned. Leaders can sometimes be overconfident in their worth, but they’ve bought into the fact that they have earned that worth. Not only does that mean that others are considered, even if unconsciously, “less worthy” because they haven’t earned it as much, but it means our own worth is conditional and can be threatened.
In the moment when something feels like a personal attack, can we manage our nervous system so that we de-escalate ourselves out of our “fight or flight” reaction - especially when we occupy positions of power, it is often in these moments that we cause harm to others with less power. This might include creating a trauma-informed personal safety plan to take care of our own needs and identify and create space for emotions so that they don’t explode in a way that is unhelpful to everyone, including ourselves. The goal is to respond rather than react. And if you don’t feel you can respond in a helpful way in the moment, acknowledging that and promising to follow up at another time is also better than going silent, which can read as a “flight” response even if it is done with intention.
For those of us who find ourselves in situations where we are less proximate to power, it also helps not to take things personally, although I think it’s important to note that when those with more power tell us “you’re taking things too personally” or “it wasn’t personal” it’s often a way to dismiss the very real hurt and harm we are experiencing.
And yes, that’s right, power differentials often mean it’s not the same in reverse. When you are in power, your hurt and harm is disproportionately centered and harder to dismiss. Having said that, I will say that “you’re taking things too personally” is very rarely a helpful thing to say, even if true.
Anyway, here are some things that are helpful especially for those less proximate to power in any given situation:
Sometimes feedback IS an attack. We may feel the impact personally, we may well be personally targeted, but “not taking it personally” means that we didn’t do anything to deserve the attack, nor can we necessarily do anything to control it. “They’re just doing what they do, they’re not doing it to you,” is a helpful saying.
We are not responsible for someone else’s actions. That doesn’t mean we can’t hold them accountable for the impact, but often we take things personally because we feel responsible. (Yes, this is kind of the same point as the first one but bears repeating.)
Remember the systemic and how we are socialized - the attacks we experience are an outcome of those systems and a culture that makes us vulnerable, not our own personal defects. Yes we should look at our part in the situation and take responsibility for what we can control. Yes we should set boundaries and know what we’ll do if they’re not kept. But we don’t have to internalize blame that is not ours to hold.
For me, it is particularly important that I center on my own voice and not take on someone else’s voice as my own. That doesn’t mean I shut out feedback or other voices, it means I recognize it coming from other voices, separate to mine. It also means I have to practice not giving outside voices more weight than my own, just because they come from someone who contextually has more systemic power than I do. You can bet that my socialization tells me otherwise. Sometimes our safety depends on giving other voices more weight, but we can still be honest at least with ourselves.
Here’s the spoiler alert though: it’s never personal. It may feel personal, and we may be personally targeted, but our actions are driven much more by ourselves and our own backgrounds and history than anything or anyone else - which means the same is true for others. We can’t control other people and they can’t control us. Everyone is really only about themselves. We can impact others, but we can’t control exactly what that impact will be. Even the most systemically marginalized can find some degree of choice and agency, even when much of it has been taken.
Knowing it’s not personal doesn’t necessarily reduce the hurt, but it can help us make different choices about how we respond.
When are you most likely to take things personally? What can you do to mitigate that?
Banner photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
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