The double bind of white supremacy
Actual white supremacists storming the Capitol in an attempted coup, a second impeachment, further violence expected at the upcoming inauguration... all while the pandemic rages on and lives continue to be lost or devastatingly impacted.
It's a lot to process.
For me, well, I'll admit that I was shocked and horrified on 11/8/16, not so much on 1/6/21. In fact, there is something strangely validating about seeing the kind of violence you were taught to fear your entire life and that you have particularly been waiting to manifest over the last four years becoming undeniably visible for a moment.
White supremacy (not far-right extremist groups but the mainstream system embedded in every aspect of our systems and culture here in the US and across the globe) deeply entrenched in people and organizations that are supposed to be there to help, that are the "well-intentioned" ones on the other hand - I've come to expect it, yet it still cuts deep, so maybe I'm not as prepared as I tell myself I am.
Or maybe the day it doesn't cut deep is the day I lose touch with my own humanity - I don't know. It's a fine line.
What does it look like?
It looks like speaking up and not being heard, then speaking more loudly and being told you're being divisive.
It means being hired, selected, or asked to do something, then punished for doing it.
It means your commitment being questioned or being told you're "not being a team player" when you point out that you're not getting what you need in order to be successful.
It's the pattern described so clearly in The "Problem" Woman of Color in the Workplace.
Meanwhile, those that conform with the status quo of hierarchy and power, those who daily enact a more insidious and less identifiable kind of violence, are often protected, praised, and promoted.
It hurts.
The pain, frustration, and trauma are present in so many of the organizations and communities we encounter or are part of - and we are not immune from experiencing or perpetuating it either.
For me, it hurts because I'm being punished for doing my best work. I'm being punished for being me. As a woman of color, my very existence, my very being, challenges white supremacy. There is no winning. I will be punished no matter what, and often more, the more successful I am.
It's the double bind of white supremacy.
I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
The "don't" part is that if I don't rock the boat, and I don't speak up, especially as an Asian woman, a "model minority," the privileges that I do get from white supremacy are for the express purposes of oppressing others, namely Black and Indigenous folks here in the US - those most impacted by this country's founding in genocide and slavery.
And even if I were ok with that, which I'm not, that strategy will only get me so far. I will never be allowed to "out-white" white people.
And so what brings me to the work of anti-racism and dismantling white supremacy, what brings me to the work of equity and inclusion, is the understanding that my liberation will only come with the dismantling of white supremacy, and dismantling white supremacy will not only come most quickly but will only come by confronting and dismantling anti-Blackness and focusing on the needs of those who face the most systemic marginalization.
The thing is, I believe this is true for white people too. We are not all equally harmed, but we are all harmed by white supremacy, and we all benefit from it being dismantled. Undoing white supremacy does not mean undoing white people.
White supremacy and other forms of oppression create a ladder where there is a hierarchy of people at the top and people below. This dehumanizes all of us (although again not all equally) by making us fight to prove our worth, even when we're at the top.
If, instead, when we can seek to build circles that acknowledge that we are all inherently worthy and do not need to defend or prove or worth, it is better for everyone.
What can we do?
Well, a lifetime of work towards shifts in culture can't be summarized in one post, but the general process goes something like this:
When you are aligned with power:
Be aware of these and other patterns so as to be able to recognize, name, and disrupt them.
Listen. And when you are aligned with power and privilege, don't dictate the terms by which you are communicated with. Try to get beyond defensiveness. You may feel like you are being attacked but consider power differentials and the systemic context. The feedback you are being given is priceless and is being given at considerable risk and cost to your benefit.
Say thank you. Sit with the information. Do not retaliate. Process with others with similar or more power. Practice self-care. Remind yourself that none of us are free until we are all free, that feeling attacked is not the same as actually being at risk, and that if you don't like someone's tone, consider that they may be not have felt they had any other choice in order to be heard.
What will you do differently going forward? Invite those who are impacted to provide more input. Don't ask them to solve things for you but focus on needs. How can you build circles instead of ladders?
Commit to and model transparency, accountability, and follow-through. Reward those who are willing to speak up and disrupt the status quo - with the right support, they will be your highest performers in service of your organization's mission and goals.
Note: chapter 12 of White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo has good suggestions for how to receive and move forward from feedback.
When you are more impacted:
Be aware of these and other patterns so as to be able to recognize, name, and disrupt them.
Be intentional about when it is worth the risk and cost of speaking up. What needs can you articulate? And what will you do if your needs are not met?
Be ready for defensiveness and retaliation. Be prepared that you will likely be made to second guess yourself, whether intentionally or not. Remind yourself that your reality is not up for debate. Get support from those who will validate what you are experiencing. Practice self-care.
Sit with things. It is not your job to comfort those that harm you or benefit from the systems that harm you. Remind yourself that this is not as personal as it feels - it is systemic. It's the system working exactly as designed.
It is not your responsibility to fix things either. Connect to your agency by considering what you can change, can't change, and choose not to change. Center on your own voice. No one gets to tell you who you are.
Banner photo by Alex Grodkiewicz on Unsplash. Also published on LinkedIn.
For my personal reflections on confronting the truth about white supremacy, sign up for 30 Days of Courage, a series of 30 daily emails followed by weekly reflections.