Inclusive leadership skills: checking for intent and understanding
We almost all have people in our lives, loved ones even, who know how to push our buttons, whether they intend to or not.
I’ve found that communication can become fraught very quickly, if not go downright off the rails.
For the people we care about, and for the people we have to work with, this can be a problem when it compromises trust and psychological safety over time, not necessarily equally in both directions, but in both directions.
It can become a self-fulfilling spiral downwards - the more they push our buttons, the less patience we have for them pushing our buttons. And they end up feeling they’re “damned if they do and damned if they don’t” - in other words, that they can’t do anything right and they should just give up.
And let me be clear, “pushing our buttons” often has at its foundation a very real and unresolved harm that the button pusher may or may not have had a role in.
In other words, there is an underlying trauma that is getting reactivated, intentionally or not - and often its unintentional.
Checking for intent and understanding can help de-escalate tension and rebuild trust.
First lets talk about checking for intent.
When someone asks us a question, that in itself can be enough to set alarm bells going. It can feel like an attack. Our nervous system can immediately get activated as we go into fight, flight, freeze or appease.
Checking for intent means saying something like “can you say more about why you’re asking that?”
Because the intention we are assuming may not be the intention that is actually driving the question.
Or maybe it is.
But often it’s not.
Checking for intent makes space for a deeper level of understanding and can reduce misunderstandings, especially across lines of difference where we are not all working from the same social norms and assumptions.
Checking for understanding happens on the other side of the question and answer.
Sometimes when we are activated and defensive, we feel like we have to repeat ourselves over and over, or express ourselves more and more strongly to make sure the other person understands.
Another way to see if the other person understands that takes a lot less energy is to ask them.
“I want to check to see if I was clear. Can you reflect back what you are hearing me saying?”
It can be surprisingly validating and de-escalating to feel heard. That doesn’t mean that person has to agree with what you said. It just means they heard you.
And if they didn’t, you can correct any misunderstandings or assumptions right away, instead of walking away and having those grow and fester.
I’ve been reminded to use these two strategies recently in both personal and professional situations and it’s amazing how simple they are and how effective they can be. The hardest part in many ways is remembering to use them.
What strategies do you find help to de-escalate tension and build trust in difficult conversations?
Note: we currently have rare openings in 2025 for new or returning organizational clients interested in exploring the possibility of multi-year, transformational change towards an equitable and inclusive culture where everyone has what they need to thrive and do their best work.
Our introductory CEO/Leadership Relief Packages and/or Stakeholder Buy-in Packages start at $10,000. Request a complimentary DEI consult if you are interested in finding out more.
Banner photo by Tom Gainor on Unsplash
Self-coaching for DEI Advocates and Leaders
Join us for a free weekly email series and check-in on co-creating real and lasting shifts towards diversity, equity, inclusion and antiracism at your company or organization. Sign up here.