Sexual harassment in middle school
Some girls in my son’s 8th grade class organized a Day of Silence a few weeks ago as part of Women’s History Month. They wanted to bring attention to those who had been silenced or met with silence in regard to harmful behavior, including sexual harassment, both at the school and beyond.
A parent shared about the protest the night before in the parent chat group and a robust discussion followed. It seemed the school was supporting the protest by allowing for posters and discussion in advisory. Someone shared a copy of the poster. Parents wondered what they could do to support.
I have a lot of strong feelings about this topic, as I would hope many of us do. I’ve been keeping an eye on this since elementary school and before - the way that racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, anti-semitism, classism, ableism and more take hold in our kids from a very young age.
This is not to pathologize kids. They are not to blame for the societal norms they are immersed in, yes even in a “liberal bubble” like Brooklyn.
But they are immersed in them.
There is no escaping.
You don’t have to teach your kid racist behavior - society teaches it.
You don’t have to teach your kid sexist behavior - society teaches it.
And on and on.
In our work as DEI consultants attempting to help unravel all of this when it grows up and goes into the workplace, I wish there was more that we did earlier.
I wish there was more than we did in elementary school rather than give kids the benefit of the doubt because they are so young… thus leaving 8th grade girls to have to organize their own protest because they feel both silenced and met with silence regarding their own safety.
I am amazed and impressed and in awe that they did it.
That in itself represents progress.
And it’s not ok.
What are we doing to our kids and thereby to ourselves????
And it’s not just to girls, but to people of all gender and other identities - to all of us.
This is not to say this is about good or bad kids, just as it isn’t about good or bad people in the workplace.
Most of us create harm on a regular basis, much of it unintended, and exacerbated by power dynamics that we did not create or control.
The important thing is to recognize it.
And when we are given the feedback to recognize it - to hear it. Sit with it. Digest it.
Acknowledge the impact, even if that wasn’t the intention.
As pertains specifically to sexual harassment in middle school, here are some recommendations to parents and caregivers, based on my experience as a DEI consultant, a woman of color, and a mom to two teenage boys:
Talk to your boys, not just your girls and non-binary kids. Talk to them about making mistakes and owning up to them. Talk to them about interrupting and pushing back on problematic behavior. Talk to them about holding themselves and their friends accountable. Go over scenarios. Ask them how they would respond. Make it a discussion, and not about a right or wrong answer.
Dads - get involved. Don’t just leave it to everyone else to do clean-up. Just because something “isn’t your fault” doesn’t mean you don’t have a responsibility.
Think about how we all variously contribute to toxic male culture. It’s ok to recognize it - in fact it is critical that we do so. Watch “The Mask You Live In” for a clear depiction of how even men are harmed by this culture.
If your child is being made to feel uncomfortable, believe them and take it seriously. It can be easy to say “kids will be kids” or to think of the much worse things you had to endure in middle school. That doesn’t make it ok! Follow their lead on the steps they want to take but also be aware that they may be terrified of retaliation, that might be part of how they are getting harassed, and think about how you might be able to safely get your child support without getting them branded as a narc. Your school should, for example, have anonymous reporting.
Know your and your child’s rights and escalate as much as you need to until you get an appropriate response. Check your school’s handbook. Understand how your school is governed and what the processes for addressing harassment are supposed to be. Don’t stop until those are followed. Seek outside support if necessary.
Don’t let the school hide behind “privacy” or “confidentiality”. This happens in the workplace too. Yes, there may be details that are private or confidential regarding what an investigation uncovers or what the consequences are for the offender, but that doesn’t mean nothing can be shared. At the very least, there should be a clear process which should tell you the types of actions that are taken for different levels of infractions. You should at least be told “if this behavior happened, it would constitute this level of an infraction, with these kinds of consequences.” And then you should be told the results of the investigation in a timely manner. If the results of the investigation is that there isn’t sufficient evidence, KEEP DOCUMENTING AND KEEP REPORTING. Kids can be subtle. Teachers don’t always see. But other kids usually know, and behavior usually escalates.
Remember that perpetrators need help too. Letting them get away with harmful behavior is NOT helping them, especially when they are kids. Kids do dumb things. If they aren’t held accountable, those dumb things escalate. They may not be ill-intentioned, I’d like to think they likely are not, so they need the feedback. Bullies are sometimes themselves being bullied, which doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it’s important to get at the root causes.
Check your child’s phone, especially in elementary and middle school. I wish more parents did this. Just as when they first hang out with friends by themselves, it’s after many many years of hanging out while supervised, so it should be with texting and social media. They need supervision and guidance at first to make sure they are on the right track and develop good habits. When you see they’ve got the hang of it, you can step back. You don’t have to secretly snoop on their devices - you can let them know that this is part of the terms they have to agree to in order to have a phone in the first place.
Listen, I don’t claim to have all the answers, or that my kids have never caused harm, or never will. It can be devastating and mortifying when you find out you or your child have caused harm, or have stood by and done nothing, even if inadvertently.
Shame is not the point, and rarely effective.
Accountability, however, IS a way to provide support as well as community care.
Banner photo by Mathieu Perrier on Unsplash
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