We are not “the help”
I’ve had this blog post brewing in my head for a while, since before I read Ijeoma Oluo’s piece “We have the right to not be annoyed” where this passage hit home:
Y’all (the white people out of pocket in my comments and DMs) keep thinking that this is all for you.
The books, the talks, the work - all of it is for you. You are sure that I and others who write and speak on race wake up every day and think, “how can I help white people today?” I’m not being facetious. You really do view us, in our anti-racist work and in our very existence, as “the help.”
Oooof, yeah this hit home.
White people, even in hiring us to do DEI and anti-racist work, treat us as “the help.”
What does this look like?
Well, often it starts during the hiring process itself.
I know from over 20 years consulting as an architect and hiring consultants or sub-consultants myself that there is a standard process involving RFPs and interviews. I’ve been through countless number of “dog and pony” shows and... I’m over it.
We’re not “the help” and we don’t do “dog and pony.”
Trying to fit all consultants into an “apples to apples” situation isn’t inclusive. The intention may be to create a “fair” and “equal” process but forcing consultants to fit a pre-determined mold isn’t equitable either, and it sets up a power dynamic that reinforces the “help” dynamic.
What this looks like:
Asking us to put together a proposal before we’ve even met you to hear more from you about what your needs and challenges are.
Having us bid on a scope you have designed rather than proposing one that we co-create based on your needs.
Having us go through an interview process where you bombard us with questions and judge us based on a pre-determined “scorecard” rather than allowing us to get to know each other and build a relationship first.
Letting us know that you’ve decided to hire us without explaining why.
To organizations hiring DEI consultants, here’s what I would suggest as guidelines so you are NOT treating them as “the help”:
Don’t start out with an RFP process - reach out to various consultants that you are interested in working with and find out what their preferred process is for determining if there is a mutual fit.
If you want to make sure you’re not just drawing on personal connections through referrals, you can create a simple form that consultants can fill out if they are interested in being considered - but don’t make it an entire proposal or something that would take more than 10-15 minutes to complete.
Assemble a team of DEI stakeholders from across the organization representing a cross-section of identities, roles, departments, tenure etc. to be part of the selection process
Go through each consultant’s preferred process and think of it as a trial for working together - but don’t think about it as “does their approach fit what you’re looking for” because this assumes that you know what you’re looking for. Rather, think about whether their approach feels like it would work to create the change that you want and maybe even some shifts that are uncomfortable or that you don’t yet know are needed. We would suggest thinking about whether you feel your org can build trust and collaboration with the DEI consulting team, whether it feels like they have a good initial grasp of who your org is and what the needs are. Will they be responsive to needs while also fostering collaboration and accountability? Will they provide coaching and scaffolding for different segments of the org without coddling OR shaming, neither of which we generally find to be productive? Will they create trust and safety for those most impacted by systems of oppression in your org, usually Black and other women of color and others who have experienced the most harm?
Let each consultant that it seems may fit land on a proposal for the scope that they would recommend having had the chance to meet you and better understand your goals and challenges.
Make your decision collaboratively through open discussions with your DEI stakeholder team.
Let the consultant you hire know not just that you hired them but WHY. This is a really important step that will contribute to the success of your work together!
Even with a more inclusive hiring process, the “help” dynamic can bubble up when we’re working together too:
Giving us direction instead of engaging in a direct and collaborative conversation as peers - in others words, telling us what to do, what to say, how to do our work.
Often the direction is passed on from “on high” through a gatekeeper rather than in direct conversation with us.
Decisions might be discussed while not in our presence and then shared with without explaining how the decision was made or why.
Often the assumption is made that how we are treated or the things said to us “don’t count” towards our assessment of organizational culture even though we often find that we ourselves experience the dynamics that staff, especially staff of color, share with us about what they experience within the organization.
Thanking us for our work without taking responsibility, being accountable, or bringing any kind of analysis or contribution themselves.
This last one doesn’t just happen to us as DEI consultants, it often happens to BIPOC folks who share their experiences. It is hard to explain, and confusing and frankly upsetting for white folks because, don’t we want to be thanked? What are they supposed to do?
Well, while we appreciate that your thanks might be genuine and heartfelt - don’t thank us like we’re the help and that we did a good job servicing your needs. Don’t make us a prop in your learning. This isn’t all for you.
Thank us AND share with us your own analysis, thoughts, feelings, reflections, takeaways and experiences.
For BIPOC folks, it’s easy to center on white people and their needs as that is how many of us have been socialized and that is how many of us have learned to find safety and success. It’s easy to take on the work of educating others when it feels like our lives and the lives of our communities depends on it. And yes, white people need serious help with this but we do NOT have to be treated as the help in this work.
As I always like to say - we are all inherently worthy and we do not have to defend or prove our worth, or our value, or our perspectives. We do not have to beg, argue for or plead to be seen in our full humanity and treated as such. We can speak for our own healing and to advocate for our needs rather than to educate others.
As Ijeoma says at the end of her article, and I really do suggest reading the entire thing:
Part of being in relationship with people is recognizing and respecting boundaries. Part of being in relationship with people is listening to them. Part of being in relationship with people is trying to not take more than you give. Part of being in relationship with people is by respecting and appreciating people’s individual talents, experiences, and needs.
We are whole people. We don’t exist to educate whiteness. We don’t exist to better whiteness.
We have the right to our privacy. We have the right to our boundaries. We have the right to not be constantly badgered and annoyed.
If you are a white person and you want to know how to do the work in light of these boundaries, the answer is the same that it’s always been: get yourself together, get your people together, sort out your racist bullshit and start flexing your privilege to change the systems that were built in your name to exploit and oppress us.
And for BIPOC folks - we get to set those boundaries, expect that they are recognized and respected, and decide what we will do if/when they are not. We get to be whole people, and we do NOT have to attend every argument we are invited to or educate every white person that needs educating.
We do not have to sign up to be treated as “the help” in our DEI and anti-racist work. In fact, whether as consultants or DEI advocates within the organization, I’d argue that we’re not really doing DEI and anti-racist work if we allow ourselves to be treated as “the help.”
Banner photo by Joshua Newton on Unsplash
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