Concentric circles of safety, trust and grief

My social media feeds are a cacophony of post-election shock, grief, despair, panic, reflection, analysis, strategizing, wisdom and business-as-usual right now.

I’ve been taking the time to curl inwards, rest, and remain steady, not that a total and utter freakout isn’t justified, but here’s what has been coming up for me.

For those of you who have gone from maybe, let’s call it 80% or 90% safety and you now find yourself facing a world in which 20% to 30% might be more accurate, that is a big hit, especially if you weren’t expecting it, especially if you weren’t prepared, especially if you didn’t think this was going to happen, especially if you are used to a certain level of safety.

I understand that your nervous system is activated, and you are going into crisis mode, panicking, spiraling - all of that makes sense.

If that is you, here is what I invite you to consider.

There are people who have always been at, say, 10% or 15% safe. And now they’re at 5% safe, or maybe 3% or 2%. Those folks may seem calmer. It may not seem like they are having the same kind of crisis and panic you are.

That doesn’t mean they are not impacted. It doesn’t mean they are safe. And it definitely doesn’t mean they are there to support you in your emotional spiraling, or explain to you why they are not.

And yes, I am talking about Black folks especially, as well as other folks of color, and those with other intersecting identities that are at risk, who have often been required, without their consent, to be the emotional support, dumping ground or “emotional mammy” for white folks.

This is where the concept of concentric circles of grief, or “ring theory” can be helpful.

Support in, despair out.

That is, try not to grieve, despair or spiral out with someone who is closer to the center of harm you are, unless you have their explicit and specific consent, likely because of a relationship you have built up over years that includes reciprocal trust and support.

Ask, don’t assume.

Do not take for granted that support is there for you from someone closer to the center of harm. Specifically ask for consent to vent, or wait for support to be offered, and be aware of power dynamics that might make that support be anything less than voluntary.

Where you can, lean towards people who are less at risk.

Set boundaries.

If you are someone closer to harm and more at risk, it’s ok to set boundaries and tune out the panicking of people less at risk or less used to being at risk than you. It can be incredibly draining and you are not required to hold those feelings for them, explain things to them, provide support, or listen to them at all, unless you feel up for it.

If it’s part of your job as a leader, manager, coach, mental health professional or otherwise - I suggest managing your energy and resources carefully, calling on support and tag teaming in and out if you need to.

Make sure you have a solid plan for processing, support, self-regulation, replenishment, rest and protection.

Process your feelings.

Regardless of where you are on the concentric circles of grief, please process your trauma and your feelings in ways that prioritize safety rather than pass on harm to those who are already more vulnerable.

Mindfulness may seem like a luxury but it is critical at this time in order not to compound on the chaos and fear that has been, is, and will be deliberately stirred up.

Mistakes will happen, things will come out sideways (I speak from experience) - if so, admit it and foster repair as soon as you can.

Concentric circles of safety and trust

Safety and trust, like grief, can also be thought of as concentric circles. This can be more helpful than thinking of safety and trust as a binary.

Am I safe or not? Do I trust this person or not? As binaries, these questions likely will have to be answered with no.

Thinking about how safe you are or how much you trust someone and in what contexts is likely going to be more helpful and less likely to lead to catostrophizing.

Banner photo by Daniel Fazio on Unsplash