Feedback is a gift, even if you don’t like the wrapping paper
Something that people often find unexpected about DEI work is that sooooooo much of it is about feedback.
And one of the things we have come to say with quite a bit of frequency, thanks to Malaika, is that feedback is a gift, even if you don’t like the wrapping paper.
Look, we get it, feedback is hard to hear. Especially when we are very invested in our work, and have invested a great deal in our work, and especially when we are very proud of our work, getting defensive when we receive feedback is a very natural and human reaction.
It’s hard not to take it personally.
The thing is, though, that unless we can get past our defensiveness in order to not just welcome and embrace feedback, but respond to it as the gift that it is, what we are doing, ironically, is shutting down the feedback that might help us be less in need of receiving it in the first place!
It’s a very fast downward spiral.
Unfortunately, it is very common.
What we most often find is that those who are giving hard hitting feedback themselves get characterized as divisive, disrespectful, negative or “not a team player” when in fact they are doing a great service to the organization by being willing to provide the feedback.
It’s a kind of victim blaming, where the feedback is seen as divisive rather than the harmful action that is creating the feedback.
The result is that people are left with the sense that they’re expected to “just take it”. This may not be the intention, but the impact is one that is very much in alignment with how systems of oppression flourish - through people just taking it. And sometimes it’s not enough to just take it, you’re expected to smile and be grateful while you’re at it, especially if you don’t align with dominant cultural identities such as being white and/or male. Sometimes smiling and being grateful is a matter of securing your own safety.
In the CCI vision of inclusion, everyone has a voice and can provide valuable feedback as the expert of wherever they sit in an organization that helps the organization better align with its mission.
It sounds really simple, almost polyanna-ish, but it’s actually a pretty radical vision when you consider all that gets in the way of it, and how entrenched the idea that success comes from toeing the party line and following orders is.
When there is no trust that it’s safe to provide feedback, it takes not just acknowledgement but a repeated demonstration of a willingness to do things differently.
One of the best pathways I’ve found into mitigating defensiveness in order to receive feedback is curiosity. I have been surprised at how healing this can be.
Because the truth is that, if we believe that we are all inherently worthy and do not have to defend or prove our worth, something else we often find ourselves saying and is a basic tenet to our work, then being defensive is actually undermining our own humanity by putting our worth up for debate.
It feels so much better to be curious.
I think the other thing to remember is that feedback is really not about us - it’s about the person giving the feedback. It’s about their needs. It’s just data, information. We don’t have to take it personally.
Feedback is critical for equity and inclusion.
What do you do to welcome and respond to feedback so people know that it is valued?
Self-coaching for DEI Advocates and Leaders
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