The problem with empathy
It’s been a tough week of news out of Ukraine.
I started out with sadness, empathy and grief. Even if we don't have direct personal connections to the area, many of us have personal histories or histories in our families with war, oppression, attack, fleeing home. It’s hard not to be affected by the first hand accounts of what people are experiencing.
I have been trying to take special care and to be aware of the different and perhaps invisible ways that we all might be variously impacted, on top of everything else that is going on. I am noticing my responses, managing my energy, and trying to stay focused on where I can make a difference.
As the days passed though, I’m noticing other things.
Luvvie Ajayi Jones best put it into words:
People are capable of giving much grace and deep empathy. It's just that when we choose to exercise that care, it's usually not for Black and Brown people. We CAN care. They're just selective about WHO we care about.
The world is currently standing with Ukraine (which, good). But people haven't stood the same way when the victims of cruelty have been Africans, Middle Eastern folks, Muslims or anyone who isn't white.
What is also interesting is how humans are always looking for someone to step on. We feel better as long as there's someone lower than us.
What is happening in Europe right now is devastating on many fronts, and one of those is how racism and Anti-Blackness are still thriving. How a people who are being victimized are still finding time to be oppressors.
Humanity is full of heartbreak. And I long for a day when Black and Brown people's humanity will be fully affirmed and not constantly be under attack. White supremacy is poison.
This is EXACTLY one of the reasons I don't like talking about things like kindness and empathy. I kind of hate the idea of kindness and empathy to be honest, which I know sounds a little absurd, but I've had too much experience in my life with those things being white centering and racist.
How can empathy be racist?
Well, when you choose to (individually and culturally) prioritize empathy for white people, and especially when you ask BIPOC to be empathetic towards white people and punish them if they're not, well that is racist.
And when white people offer empathy to BIPOC in a condescending or white saviorist way, that is also racist.
I don't want your love. I don't want your empathy.
And I say this as someone who uses empathy daily as a critical skill.
Yes it's a skill. I’m not saying throw it out the window.
But think about how you’re using it.
Luvvie shared a map in the comments of the post above in case you need a diagram.
It happens within the US too - think Parkland, Florida compared to Ferguson, Missouri for just one out of countless examples.
Love is not the goal. Empathy is not the goal.
Systemic change towards equity, inclusion and justice - that is the goal.
Banner photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
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